Raising Eryon: Life's Lessons from My Daughter

 

An Excerpt

How Children Raise Successful Parents

(or Lessons I've Learned From My Kids)

"Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.  They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you they belong not to you.  You may give them your love but not your thoughts for they have thoughts of their own."

---Kahlil Gibran, Prophet (1966, Knopf)

When I first read The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, I wasn't a parent.  When I became a parent and reread the classic, I considered it impractical for raising children.  Bows?  Arrows?  What has that to do with raising children?  My daughter's adolescence changed all that.  During this period in her life, my child decided that she had learned enough to exercise her rights as a human being.  She made her choices.  She made decisions, but oh did she make mistakes.  Needless to say, the mistakes almost cost us our relationship.

Mind you, before this period we were the epitome of a glorious mother/daughter relationship.  She worshiped me.  I adored her.  She was the perfect child.  Bright.  Inquisitive.  Spiritual.  Self-confident.  Obedient.  Almost overnight she turned into a smart-mouthed, nosey, stubborn, and willful stranger, which changed me into the overbearing, nagging, and snooping mother I promised never to be.

"You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in our dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you."

Parenthood has to be one of the most confusing times in an adult's life.  Friends and I have had the "if I had to do it all over again" conversation with one another too many times to count. "We would have been more consistent or spent more time with them."  Of course, we would have.  Hindsight is always 20/20, and if it were otherwise we would not appreciate how far we've come.  Personally. I believe that somehow in the great mystery of life God picked specifically for our children.  Yes, we were handpicked by the Almighty.  It is perhaps this belief that makes me see that because of my children, I am given everything I need to raise them successfully.

"For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."

With God all things are possible, including being a good parent---even when faced with a child's growing pains.  For more than 17 years I've been the only parent in my household, but I have not been alone.  When I have been at my wit's end, times too numerous to count, I have had to rely on God's grace and mercy.  I've known that it has not been through my own volition that I've gotten through rough patches with my children.  When my oldest son wrecked my car, when my daughter talked back to a teacher, or when my youngest son ran literally through the glass patio door, it was God's strength that I relied on.

"The archer sees the mark upon the path of the Infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far."

God saw me through it all.  For my children are the arrows given to me for a time by God.  Yet, make no mistake---it is a job that I must do.  God's plan is working, and Gibran's essay helped me see that.  As bows, we are held in God's own hands.  Quite impressive when you consider that a bow alone cannot send forth an arrow.  But there is more.  From our children, we also learn everything we need to know about how to best serve them.

From my children, I've learned patience.  Patience makes for a sturdier bow.  From my children, I've learned forgiveness and understanding.  These are the bow's flexible (when trying to guide a child to better decision-making).

I've also learned the power of my words.  While struggling to be a good parent by paying attention instead of running off at the mouth,  I came to the conclusion that a soft answer does turn away wrath--mine and theirs.  I learned that choices are part of the growing experience for them.  I even let my children have the last word because I knew I had the final say (even when they disobeyed).  Parents should understand this.  We must set limits (steady), we must keep our word (sturdy), and we must listen even if we know we're not going to agree with our children (flexible), and that is what we're supposed to do.  It is our job to be slow to anger (sturdy) and the first to apologize (flexible) because they learn from what we do, not what we say.  The biblical adage to train up a child in the way she should go makes perfect sense to me now, because that is the only thing that keeps her in times of trouble.  Yes, it is a big responsibility, and in it we should evaluate ourselves more than our children because that is our job.  The parenting assignment was mandated by the Gospel.  Suffer the children--full acceptance and welcome---means that more is required of us as parents to our children than is required of them to us.  Listening to and observing our children is a great training ground for successful parenting.  I should know.  My daughter's adolescence was a blessing in disguise.  I discovered that God gave me everything I needed   

And that it was made especially for my little girl.  Now as I deal with adult children who one day might become parents themselves, I promise to give them Gibran's Prophet and highlight the parts about children.  Perhaps they will recall their lives as arrows and see a little of themselves in those pages and realize that they are now bows in the archer's (God's) hands.

A combination like that can never be beaten.

Peace.